... the things that make my heart flutter

Taking Myself Too Seriously..

2009-12-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

I have been stuck on this one particular boy for years. I don't know why. He gives nothing. I give him nothing, but for some reason I can't shake him off. After four years I can't say that I know him. I can give you the basic outlines of his personality, but I do not know him. What I do know is that whenever I look into his eyes my heart flutters and I feel light. I look into those eyes and I want to know their story.

I have not had the honor of knowing his story. So I pine and wait.. and concoc various ways to position myself in his life. None have worked and after four going on five years I have not been able to accept this.

The question is, why? Why do I choose him or to prolong this situation? I date and have men never call me again and vice versa; been dumped more than once too and after a week of crying, I let go. Why can't I let go?

My friend said it's because I take myself too seriously. Honestly, that pissed me off because in my mind that means for four years I yearned for this man simply because of my ego - not because I genuinely care for him.

I'll come clean - I did want him to tell me that he cared about me, that he liked me as a person, that when he saw me he didn't just see boobies and a big ole' booty, but me. If I waited four years for that - do I take myself too seriously? I REALLY don't know the answer.

Know thyself.

I have no idea what the purpose of our relationship was - I do believe everyone that comes into your world has a purpose and with him I don't know what it is. Perhaps if I knew the purpose I would be able to let go.

Maybe I should be able to let go without necessarily understanding....

Just thinking about this is making me feel I'm going through a whirlwind.

I don't want to be one of those people that takes themselves too seriously. I don't want to be stuck on things and people that do not matter. I am just grasping at a higher reason or purpose for us crossing paths.

I don't know... I thought writing this post would help me understand but I still don't understand.

Something Wonderful Happened Last Night

2009-12-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

My friend Langky-Poo came to visit Friday and when the sun set we were on the hunt for something to do. We decided to attend the Annual Kevin Powell Holiday Party & Clothing Drive at Tribeca Cinema. It was such a wonderful a time with great music, a fashion show and the highlight of my night - the Art Battle.

The Art Battle is a competition where emerging artists create a piece of work in the middle of a live event. It is such a great premise and I simply stood there among the crowd, watching these artists create something from a blank canvas. After about 15 minutes one of the artists started to create this outline of a female face. There were so many women watching these artists, and we were all thinking "is that me? Who is that? Oh, it's her. No, it's her."

Then he answered our inquiring minds and pointed squarely at me. :)

I really couldn't and still can't believe it. It was something out of a movie and for a moment, I thought oh this is my FAIRYTALE. There were all these beautiful women, with there great haircuts and cute outfits and banging winter boots and he picked me. The girl with the toothpaste stain on her t-shirt (I really thought you couldn't until I checked out the pictures - sigh). In any event, it was one of those moments I will never forget.

Someone saw me. Someone saw something in me. Isn't that what we all want? For someone to look at us and see us - not just the external but the inner as well - to see us completely? When the artist first started to paint me, my eyes looked so sad. I felt so exposed and vulnerable, especially when I saw him capturing those parts of me I try so hard to hide.

I know that look intimately. I try to hide it from the rest of the world as often as possible, but sometimes it seeps through and he saw it. After a while, it felt nice. It also didn't hurt that he is fine! Every lady watching him paint was thinking the same thing - yummy, yummy, yummy! Creative, good with his hands, humble with an amazing smile. We were puddy in his hands.

After the artists received a break, I had to introduce myself and here is what I found out. His name is Andre and he is a classical trained artist from the Bronx. After spending years learning technique he is now finding his own voice through his art.

There were three other artists as well who are extremely talented. I wish I was able to get some pictures from the very beginning, because this piece evolved so much!

There were two other artists with very distinct styles that were highly impressive. If you are hosting a function, you should definitely give the folks over at Art Battles a call because it was a definite hit!

Here are a few more pictures of the painting by Andre. It is going to be auctioned off in January - please donate to my funds so I can purchase this painting :) Every dollar helps :)

If I murder someone while sleepwalking, should I be punished?

2009-11-27T03:32:00.000-08:00

I don't have an answer, but it's an interesting question to ask. I met a boy a few years ago who confided in my that he sleepwalks. Already sizing him up as my future husband, with this new information I thought, "Oh my goodness, he could kill me in our bed one day and blame it on sleepwalking." You would think that this would throw a wrench in the fairtale I was creating in my head, but I immediately let it go. I am only reminded of it now because I came across an article in New Scientist where a man strangled his wife while sleepwalking in their camper somewhere in the UK.

It was confirmed that the husband really does have a sleep disorder so the courts are debating how to hold him accountable, or even IF he should be held accountable since he didn't commit the crime of his own volition. And if that is true, that he wasn't in control, or cognizant that he was strangling another human being, doesn't that make him a danger to himself and others? And shouldn't something be done about that?

I keep going back and forth on the issue, but in the end, I am simply not sure if cupability for a crime such as murder should be attached with conscious motor control. If to be guilty you need to be fully aware of yourself, what about the mentally disabled or others that let their "emotions" get the best of them - to the point where there is a physiological change in the composition of the brain? What about them? Should they get off because they weren't fully aware?

And another thing with sleepwalkers, there is no way to prove what they are dreaming about. In this case, the husband said he was dreaming about intruders coming into their home and he was fighting them off, which explains the attack.

It's just a big cloudy mess and it's one of those things that make me go 'hmmm'.

It's 4 AM and it's Black Friday

2009-11-27T00:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on my mothers couch reminiscing about the one time I attempted to go shopping on Black Friday and I only have one word. Horriffic. Well, three more - And never again. I love bargain shopping but people seem to go somewhat crazy on days like this. Now that I've discovered $20 bag, I'm not sure I'll ever buy clothes in a retail store again. I'm thankful I discovered that warehouse among a bunch of other things.

I moved back to New York last year to pursue an acting and singing career professionally. This year has been full of blessings and considering I am so new to this, I have been working non-stop. Every once in a while, I realize how amazing that is and every ounce of my being gives thanks to the universe. Now, I can only wonder what is ahead of me. Perhaps I'll meet the love of my life and get pregnant, and get my lucky break?! Maybe? :) Who knows, but I am sure this year is goingt to be just as wonderful if not more.

I am also thankful for my emotional and mental growth. I have seen a lot of inner growth and that makes me smile. Not letting outside events deeply impact me is something I really work on. I hate that emotional rollercoaster or yo-yo feeling. Since I can't control the world, I know I can control my reaction to it and this year I've seen so progression. I don't want to go into too much details, but just believe me when I say this is all good.

This goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway - I am grateful for the people in my world. They are so special and in many ways similar to me, in that they seem conscious and strive to be better. Not just in the material world but internally as well and I love that. I love meeting people that are aware of their internal world.

People do lots of things for money. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people that was solely motivated by money, but it's not me and doesn't really categorize my friends either. It's really cool that I attract like-energy. They teach me lots and for that I am grateful.